The Junior High Hangover

As the parent of two middle-schoolers, I feel particularly steeped in that time period, with all of the highs and lows that seem to go along with coming into your own. I see my daughters and their friends facing the swarming questions from social acceptance to confusing class schedules. Where do I go? Where are my people? Did that teacher like me? Am I doing well?

Unlike other common experiences we face where our takeaways are inevitably different, middle school seems to somehow capture a universal sentiment: “I wouldn’t want to go through that stage again.” Finding new friends, recognizing where your academic strengths lie (or don’t), enduring often clunky physical growth, and doing your best to figure out where you fit in, all get bottled up into this time capsule we call middle school. We aim to acknowledge what it was, feel happy we don’t have to do it again, and set it aside as though it’s in the rear view mirror forever.

But as I’ve watched the dynamic up close and personal this year, I’ve wondered is it really in the rear view mirror?

Being an executive coach to a lot of seasoned leaders, it’s eye-opening to recognize the emotional similarities.

The same isolating, anxious, tween-style concerns can suddenly pop up among professional adults facing new challenges, or crisis points, or who are struggling to gain confidence or clarity on who they are now, what they want, and what to expect from the milieu of their chosen career. Even the most successful people can show up riddled with teenage-style doubts, second-guessing, and worrying they aren’t where (or what) they should be.

A few months ago, as a client was raising exactly these doubts, we affectionately termed it the Junior High Hangover. It stuck. And since then, it has shown up in countless sessions. Even one I had earlier today.

So when you next find yourself grappling with self-doubt, or worse, criticizing yourself for not being certain of one decision or another, picture your middle school cafeteria teeming with adolescents, and recognize that your work happy hours and board meetings simply aren’t that different. Being unsure of yourself at times is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s growth.

The Junior High Hangover reminds us of the necessary hurdles in our ever-present growth, ones that help define who we are now. We forget that we’re supposed to keep developing, after all. Maybe not physically so much (no sudden height spurts, no voice changes) but emotionally and mentally and professionally. Growing is never separate from growing pains.

So while we have told ourselves we’d never go back there again, maybe these questions can help you navigate those brief (and inevitable) moments of time travel:

1. Navigating your professional space. From schedules to expectations, asking how does this place work? What do I want to understand better? What system works for me here?

2. Measuring performance. What grades am I getting? What am I learning? What am I achieving? What’s tracking? What’s not?

3. Seeking (and finding) supportive colleagues. How do I want to create a professional community here? Who might help me now and need help from me later? What makes me feel a part of this team?

4. Understanding yourself. Who am I in this role? Who do I want to be?

Regardless of your answers today, go ahead and accept that these questions will likely show up again. And when they do, you can remind yourself that even the most grown-up adults around you are also handling a case of their very own Junior High Hangover.

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